I’ve been struggling for quite a while with this recent job restructuring / outsourcing. I’ve only just realised that I am now fully L3 Tech Support. No more of the really hands on stuff, I’ve been promoted. It’s just not the one I thought was coming.
The problem with this is that I’ve been promoted into a position where I’m not using my brain to maintain the knowledge I had. I’m sitting around letting it just disappear day after day.
I’ve been struggling with this because I need the mental stimulation and I’ve always sourced it from my job.
So I started talking about how bad of a position I’m in, the depression started to come back. At one point I thought about how it would be easier to survive if I could just go and get drunk like I used to. At least then I’d have an excuse to suffer.
However, a few people recently have clarified to me that it’s actually a great opportunity. I’m earning a good wage, have no commitments, and all the time in the world (work commitments aside) to do whatever I want.
Again, the problem was that I couldn’t think of anything stimulating outside of the job.
I’m so used to putting my whole life into something at the expense of something else. Work instead of having a life. Drink instead of working through my emotions. Self destruction not self care.
My head is broken like that. Always has been. And realising this now is why I’m feeling so energised at the moment.
- I’ve been able to suffer the anguish I’m putting myself through about my boring job without resorting to vices such as junk food or alcohol.
- I’ve been able to maintain self-care practices like yoga and a healthy diet.
- I’m currently at 11 days without any antidepressants. I’ve seen a couple of small side effects (minor brain-zaps, unable to sleep / raised anxiety) but I haven’t resorted to self destruction tendencies to counteract them.
- I’m latching on to new ideas because they excite me.
This job, this boring job, has given me the space I needed to fully commit to myself. Part of it has been change for the better, part of it has been suffering through the hard times because deep down I understand the lesson I’m being taught.
Maybe I should stay in this job for a bit longer. It’s easy money and I’ve got the freedom to really take care of where I’m at right now. I don’t necessarily need to uproot my life just because I’m feeling uncomfortable. I need to adjust to being outside of my comfort zone, respect that it’s actually good or me, and change when it’s time.
Embrace the work / life balance a bit more. This is the reward for all the hard work.